Life Kinda Sucks

Some people say that if you're a Christian you won't get depressed because you will be filled with the Holy Spirit and will be joyous and all that stuff. That's great except I'm a Christian and I get mildly depressed frequently. Sometimes I get really depressed and just want to rip my hair out or cut my wrists and cry and punch myself. Thank God, that's rare. I've only cut myself like twice and that was within a few day period almost two years ago. It didn't really hurt that bad, but it left scars on my arm and I don't want to be judged or have scars all over me. It's really not bad for you or anything; it's a way of dealing with pain, but I don't want scars or to be judged. It also doesn't solve anything, but neither does just sitting around and not doing anything about it.

A lot of Christians say that if you are depressed it's because of sin in your life and you can't experience the joy of the holy spirit if you are living in sin. I do have areas of sin that I struggle with and can't seem to get out of and that could be part of it, so pray for me, but I don't think that's all of the problem

I think most of my depression just comes from dissatisfaction. I want to get out and do stuff, but there's nothing to do. I want to make the most of my life but I don't know how. I want to help people but I know if I did anything too drastic my parents would have some kind of problem with it.

I also have so many ideas that I feel are just going to waste, but it's hard to do stuff by yourself with little support. It seems like so many other people are ok with coming up with cool ideas and just thinking about them for fun, but when I have a good idea for something I'd really like to see it come to be.

Another part of my depression would be my low self esteem. It doesn't take much to tip the scales one way or another because much of my self image is tied in what other people think of me. I can be on top of the world, Mr. Confidence on moment and the next be I feel so uncomfortable, Awkward Man. I'm not bipolar because I go from one mood to the next for specific reasons, I just overreact I guess. Well, sometimes I don't really know the reason, but I'm sure unconsciously there is one, I just don't know it.

I was watching "Tales of Mere Existence" videos on Youtube and those kind of helped get me into a somewhat depressed, pensive kind of mood. But one of them was saying how basically if you have writer's block or are stuck in some way, to stop fighting it and trying to make whatever perfect and just do something. It doesn't matter if it's bad or good or whatever, because who cares I guess, and I kind of like that advice. I guess also if you do something you can keep it for you because it doesn't really matter that much and now I'm just rambling.

I don't really have much more to say right now, so I guess I'll be done with this. I might come back and edit some or add more too it, but I might like this unedited, kind of mess of a post. So we'll see. Anyways, that's all so I'm going to stop typing and post this.

Life.

Listen my friends, hear me say

your life could end on any day.

An alien foe could abduct you

or redneck Joe could pick-up truck you.

The ghetto gangsters just might shoot you;

Albion wangsters try to abuse you.

A drunk driver could overrun you;

an abusive cop could tazer-gun you.

A prowling puma could come and eat you,

or a cougar lady could try to meet you.

Your life could end as you slumber;

you could be crushed by falling lumber.

Some greasy foods could heart-attack you

or greasy dudes could fart and nag you

So now you see, life isn't easy;

it can be, at times, quite queasy.

But no matter how weird or hard,

I got my God - my life to guard.

Ramble.

Once upon a time
I started on a rhyme
I didn't even know
just where the thing would go.
And as it would it happened -
that my mind would snap and
my creativity
would go down the drain you see.
Sure I would come up
with words to fill on up
the white space on my screen,
and replace them with black ink.
Though I suppose ink's the wrong word,
because I haven't printed this,
but I don't care if I'm absurd,
there is no point to miss.
I'm just in a poem mood.
I guess I'm a poem dude.
But whatever the case be,
I have been bored lately.
So poetry will come.
Who cares if it is dumb?
Not I, I can attest.
Thank God it's not a test.

To Emily.

There is a girl though barely know her.
She lives in Missouri, I'd like to go thur [there].
Her name is Emily; she's a good friend of me.
We text a lot, she's always there for me.
I've never called, I must say I'm sorry.
I will some day - whenever that may be.
We'll meet some day - just wait and you will see.
This poem might suck; I'm kind of tired.
Most the time I'm pretty wired.
But I was bored and thought I would
talk to you like a good friend should,
but in a creative way to make it special.
Change things up; keep it fresh, yo'.
I like writing poems just for fun
so it only made sense to write you one.

Lyrics to a song I wrote.

Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote a while back. I have a melody and everything; I can hear it in my head - it would be a metalcore song similar to early Haste the Day (think Blue 42). It's about a person realizing they've been living for themselves and coming to find God. The first and last part would be the only clean vocals, the rest would be screamed. Let me know what you think:

Sitting in the darkness, I arrive at the conclusion
that everything I've ever said or done has been for naught
Is this the life to keep on living? I don't think so
Someone lead me to the path down which I must travel

As I'm sitting here, I realize that all I've ever done has been for nothing
My whole entire life, I have wasted it, just living for my own selfishness
I have stepped on, I have spit upon, tore others down just for my gain
I can't live like this any longer it makes me so disgusted
I need something to live my life for, but I have no clue just what that is

I cry out, "Oh, God of the universe,who ever it is you are,
reveal yourself to me, I feel you're what I need. Please tell me just what to do!
Is there a difference between all the religions? I don't even have a clue!"
I am listening completely silently to see if he replies to me,
and all of the sudden, I am feeling something, something I've never felt before
A feeling covers me; contentedness fills me; I am sure that I'll get through

And I feel so perfect now - I know what I have to do
Jesus Christ saved my life - he's the path that I now choose

Standing in the light now I've arrived at the conclusion
that everything I ever said or did, I did for naught
That's not the way to keep on living, no it's not so,
Jesus lead me to the path down which I now travel

Again, to Daniel

Daniel Tayloe is a bippin;
Do not listen to his lies.
For bippins are not truthful;
They never look you in the eyes.
They try to convince you
that they are of the norm,
but when you cannot see them
they take their native form.
With seven eyes and a hairless tail,
in the night you hear them yell
and scream, a bloodcurdling scream.
Their flesh is green, at times unseen,
and never doubt just how mean
a vicious bippin just can be.
When confronted, you won't see.
They're are so hideous, you'll be blinded.
What you've lost don't try to find it.
If you escape, you've been blessed,
for seldom victims pass their test.
A test unspoken, too horrifying.
If you ask them, they end up crying,
And you'll be trying to make them stop,
but they never will till their heads pop.
And they'll be dead with blood on the floor.
The bippins smell it, they're at the door.
They come to get you, it starts again.
The ever-lasting cycle of the bippin.

Poetry.

In the beginning God

In the beginning God
created man,
and since the beginning man
has denied God.

What must it feel like
to have your existence denied?
I cannot imagine
the despair I would feel.

Like a parent with a child
who rebels against them
Like foolish children
We rebel against our Father.

Hell is going to be very crowded,
it's so sad.
Many of those I love
refuse to love Love Himself.

How can I love those,
who know not Love?
Better yet -
how can they love me
or anyone at all?

I pray for those who don't believe in prayer
or the Recipient of our prayers.
They need our prayer so badly
and maybe someday
they'll pray themselves.

For
in the end God
will punish all man
whom He knows not
and after the end those men
will wish they had not denied God.


Time

The time will soon be coming
when your time will run out,
and all you've put off doing
will slowly put you out.
The life you could be living
will soon be leaving you,
and the fun you could be having?
Instead death will have it's fun with you.

So take this life by the horns
and avoid the horns of Satan,
and stay in prayer with the Christ
to avoid the snares of Satan.
So when your time is over
you will have triumphed over time,
and you will be in heaven
to be with God for all time.


Forgiveness

Sometimes I am righteous,
sometimes I am wicked;
thankfully all the time
my sin has been forgiven.

For what good is being good
if your bad goes unforgiven?
And how bad is being bad
If being good was all we were given?

If Jesus had not come
and sacrificed his life for us,
we'd have to live near perfect lives
which would never be enough.

So thank you Father for sending Jesus,
and thank you Jesus for your willingness
to be punished unjustly
to save all who love Thee.

From His love that saved me
comes His grace that sustains me.
By His grace that sustains me
I can go by complaint free
knowing that someday,
I will spend everyday
with the creator of all days
and maker of all things:
God the Father,
God the Son - Jesus Christ,
God the Holy Spirit,
The Trinity Divine.