Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Life Kinda Sucks

Some people say that if you're a Christian you won't get depressed because you will be filled with the Holy Spirit and will be joyous and all that stuff. That's great except I'm a Christian and I get mildly depressed frequently. Sometimes I get really depressed and just want to rip my hair out or cut my wrists and cry and punch myself. Thank God, that's rare. I've only cut myself like twice and that was within a few day period almost two years ago. It didn't really hurt that bad, but it left scars on my arm and I don't want to be judged or have scars all over me. It's really not bad for you or anything; it's a way of dealing with pain, but I don't want scars or to be judged. It also doesn't solve anything, but neither does just sitting around and not doing anything about it.

A lot of Christians say that if you are depressed it's because of sin in your life and you can't experience the joy of the holy spirit if you are living in sin. I do have areas of sin that I struggle with and can't seem to get out of and that could be part of it, so pray for me, but I don't think that's all of the problem

I think most of my depression just comes from dissatisfaction. I want to get out and do stuff, but there's nothing to do. I want to make the most of my life but I don't know how. I want to help people but I know if I did anything too drastic my parents would have some kind of problem with it.

I also have so many ideas that I feel are just going to waste, but it's hard to do stuff by yourself with little support. It seems like so many other people are ok with coming up with cool ideas and just thinking about them for fun, but when I have a good idea for something I'd really like to see it come to be.

Another part of my depression would be my low self esteem. It doesn't take much to tip the scales one way or another because much of my self image is tied in what other people think of me. I can be on top of the world, Mr. Confidence on moment and the next be I feel so uncomfortable, Awkward Man. I'm not bipolar because I go from one mood to the next for specific reasons, I just overreact I guess. Well, sometimes I don't really know the reason, but I'm sure unconsciously there is one, I just don't know it.

I was watching "Tales of Mere Existence" videos on Youtube and those kind of helped get me into a somewhat depressed, pensive kind of mood. But one of them was saying how basically if you have writer's block or are stuck in some way, to stop fighting it and trying to make whatever perfect and just do something. It doesn't matter if it's bad or good or whatever, because who cares I guess, and I kind of like that advice. I guess also if you do something you can keep it for you because it doesn't really matter that much and now I'm just rambling.

I don't really have much more to say right now, so I guess I'll be done with this. I might come back and edit some or add more too it, but I might like this unedited, kind of mess of a post. So we'll see. Anyways, that's all so I'm going to stop typing and post this.